Loneliness...

...one of my least favorite words. It's strange to think of myself as lonely. I have a loving family, amazing friends, and a God who treasures me more than my earthly companions. But still, I feel lonely.
It's like I have this aching, emptiness inside of me. One that can't seemed to be filled. There's been times it's been falsely filled, then emptied, and made bigger. I've been numb to it, I've fallen deep into it's dark recesses, and tried to overcome it. I don't really notice it's there, until someone comes along and slowly starts to fill it up. It starts to get smaller, then slowly fade away. I find myself happy, and ready for what ever comes my way, until...that person leaves. Like a slap in the face, he leaves, and again the cavern is made larger. Now, I am lying on its cold, hard ground, wondering if I have the strength to climb back out.
This isn't how life should be lived. Especially not the life of a Christian. Maybe this great, lonely void inside me can't be filled, well at least not yet. Maybe God is using this hurt, this kicked to the curb feeling, as a reminder. He's reminding me, that I cannot love, or be loved, until I truly know what Love is. He is reminding me that HE is Love, and He is the only one that can fill that love shaped hole in my heart.

How Far Would You Go?...

Alright...I know I haven't posted in FOREVER but I'm trying to be more consistent.

Okay, anyway...I just read a blog post on purity. It got me to thinking about what purity really is. The dictionary definition is, the quality or condition of being pure.

What is purity to you, how would YOU define it? There are lots of different areas of purity such as, purity in your speech. Are you a gossip or do you lie about things? There is purity in your thoughts, what goes one up there, and would it glorify Christ? And there's also sexual purity. So many people, who claim Christ, struggle with this breach of purity. I, being one of them. I am in no way pointing a finger at, or looking down on those who struggle with this...I'm just asking, how far would you go?

Maybe you're the person who is saving their very first kiss for the alter. If so, then right on! Good for you. But, then again, maybe you're the person who gives just a little bit, then a little bit more, and then before you know it, you've given almost all of it away, but stopped just short of your boundary line. You started out with good intentions...but he just had this way about him, and you didn't end up being as strong as you thought. You went too far, maybe not all the way, but still it was too far.

As I'm writing this, memories are running through my mind. Not good memories, but memories I wish so badly I could forget. Memories that make my stomach knot and my head spin. I ask myself. Why? Why did I let my emotions get the better of me? Why didn't I listen to my friends and family? Why didn't I heed God's warning signs? Why?...because I am a stupid, weak, selfish sinner. The only thing that can save me from those feelings is the thought that I am indeed forgiven. I am forgiven by a God that knew, even before the world began, that I would stumble, and I would fall, and by His strength once again be able to stand.

Now, how far, would you say, is too far? You set up boundaries. Lines that you're determined not to cross. Yet, in the heat of the moment, with you're emotions running wild, you forget those boundaries, and lines are crossed. So, the only way to keep yourself from the possibility of going too far, is to FLEE from that temptation all together. Maybe that means you shouldn't go off alone with your boyfriend for too long, or at all. Or maybe you shouldn't hang out with those friends that have no boundaries and pressure you to do things. Or maybe you shouldn't have a boyfriend at all. What ever it is, flee from it, and stay as far away as you possibly can, until you know that you have the strength and self-control to be in that situation. It may be very VERY hard (I know for a fact it is), but if God is your strength, you can do all things.

What Characteristics Do You Look For?...

At speech class yesterday one of our "pop question" was "What characteristics do you look for in your future husband/wife?" We had to name five, and for some it was hard, but for others...it was a piece of cake! Alot of the people we saying "They don't have to be good looking, it would be a plus, but if they weren't that's fine" or, "I'm not really into looks". Well whenever something like that was said, one of the guys would be like, "Oh c'mon, I know you care about the looks, don't be modest"...so when my time came, I told the truth.

My five characteristics were:

1-He has to be a Christian, first and foremost.

2-He can't be too emotional, because I'm not a very emotional person.

3-He has to be very patient and understanding to be married to me.

4-He has to be strong (well built, physically fit, etc...)

5- He has to be...SMOKIN' HOT!

After I said that, the whole room started to laugh, and Jake was like "Finally, someone tells the truth!". It's true, looks aren't everything, and I know that his heart is so much more important than his looks, but still...it's would be nice.

Sweetest Song EVER!...

Awkward...

Okay, I am sure that at least once in your life, you have had a horribly awkward moment. A moment where you wish you were anywhere but here, or that you could rewind time and then bypass the whole thing. Well, I'm not asking you to share (unless you feel obliged to), but I'm going to share one of my most awkward moments with you...

About three years back I was going to my friend's birthday party. She lives about 40 minutes away, so my mom met her dad and older brother about half way, I got in their car, and we were off. In the car, we were just chatting about how family was, and how it's so weird how fast time goes by, and that I was getting so much older. Remember it's only my friend's dad, brother, and I in the car, and no radio playing...radio ALWAYS cuts down on the stress level. Anyway, about half way to her house, while we're still talking about getting older, her brother asks how old I am. I tell him, and then he replies with, "Oh, then just there's just a few more years, and we can get married". What?!! That caught me by such surprise (he wasn't joking either), I was speechless. First of all, I'm waaay to young to be married, and second, I've never even thought of him in that way. I've known this family for, I think it's going on 14 years, so that would be like marrying my brother...AWKWARD!!!

Emotionally Attached...

I think that one of the hardest things about being a girl and waiting for that "perfect guy" to come along, is not falling for the first guy that shows interest in you. I always told myself that I would never let my heart be taken by someone, unless I knew that that person was worth it. I would never, EVER become emotionally attached to someone until they showed the same feelings toward me. I convinced myself that I would be strong and not fully give in to the feelings that I felt, and that I would not be hurt if it didn't work out in the end. Oh how foolish my young heart is! I'm a teenage girl, of course I'm going to give into those feelings and become somewhat attached to that person. But, since I'm a teenage girl, I'm also going to be blinded by the nice things he says, and the things he does, and how funny, and cute, and sweet he is. I'm not going to remember my friends advice, or heed the warning signs, because I'm too caught up in this, and in the end, I do get hurt.

It has taken me sometime to realize this, and even longer to fully embrace it (I'm still kind of working on it). I didn't want to admit to myself that I was wrong, and that I let my heart go too far, and that my emotions got too mixed up. I wanted to believe that he felt the same way towards me that I felt towards him. I told myself that even though he didn't actually verbalize it, he still liked me...but it wasn't true.

I heard once that people call it "falling" in love, because when you're falling, you can't really stop yourself, you don't really know whats going on, and when you hit the ground it hurts. I think that's a funny way to look at it, but don't really agree. I think that when the one God has set aside for you comes along, that your "fall" will be graceful and you wont hit the ground because your one catch you. Right now, in this "waiting area" I'm thankful that I have a Lord and Savior that, when I "fall" for the wrong guy, will catch me in His loving arms.

What Should He Look Like?...

Hmmm, this is always a fun conversation topic, "What "requirements" should your future guy have"? My friends and I sometimes talk about what we want our future husband to look like. It's fun to hear what they look for. The other day my friend and I were talking about this, and she told me that she was going to tell my guy about all my "requirements". I am a little picky but here is the description of my "perfect guy". He has to be:

Tall (this is a must because I am a tall-ish person)
Brown (or dark) hair
Blue or brown eyes (preferably blue)
Good build (not too skinny or fat, and not overly buff...that's kinda weird...he'll look like the Hulk)
A GREAT smile
Here comes the picky part, he has to be photogenic. Or at least a little. In my family, pictures are always being taken, there is always a camera in someones hand, so photogenic would be nice.

He should look something like this:

...I'm not serious...but it wouldn't hurt.

Now years down the line, just watch me marry someone that doesn't reach ANY of my "requirements"...or maybe ALL of them. Only God knows (and thank goodness for that).

The Issuse Of Insecurity...

Insecurity is one on my biggest battles. I struggle with it so often, and still seem to be losing. My thought is that, being at girl, we (or at least I am) are programmed to be insecure. Some of my insecurity issues (I am really critical of myself) are: clothing, hair, face (blemishes, dryness, eyebrows, makeup, etc...), ears (mine stick out like an elf...so I don't pull my hair much), and my smile (I said I was critical). I have just recently noticed that I have a crooked smile. The right side of my bottom lip goes down farther than the left side. I asked my mom if she ever noticed it, and she said "Oh yeah, but don't even try to straighten it out, because then it wont be your smile". Thanks mom.


Anyway, I have lots of insecurity issues that cloud my mind when I'm out. Wheather it be at church, with friends, or at a party, but then I "remeber to forget". I say that because when I remember that the people around me like me for me, not for my clothes, looks, etc... I forget about my insecurity. Also, I wouldn't really want friends that looked only on the outside apperance. I'd want the ones that looked past that. It's like they say, "Dont judge a book by it's cover", or as I say "a girl by her makeup".

My View...

Okay, I know I asked this question like forever ago, and just now am I giving you my view on H.S relationships.

To me, H.S. relationships are fine, as long at both people are mature enough to be in a relationship. I've seen my share of clingy relationships, touchy-feely relationships, and also mature relationships.

There is nothing more annoying than seeing a girl that is so extremely clingy to her guy, that even if he's your friend, you feel weird talking to him because you're afraid she's gonna get mad at you. I cannot stand that, it drives me CRAZY!!

What about touchy-feely relationships? I feel so awkward when I'm around a guy and girl that cant keep their hands off each other. I mean come on people, have a little self-control!! I hate being in that situation, I just want to be like "Ahem, excuse me but could you keep your hands to yourself...for like two seconds, maybe?".

In my eyes mature relationships are sweetest. They know the boundaries of physical contact, they don't make others feel awkward, and they just have this realness to them. What I mean by "realness" is that they have respect for each other and the ones around them. The girl doesn't get all protective when her guy is talking to another girl. Same with the guy he's not like "Why were you talking to him? What were you saying?". Also, they remember that people, other than the gf or bf, do exist. They're not super infatuated with each other that they forget their friends. That is so important because if it so happens that they break up, they still have the strong bond of friendship with others who still love them no matter what.

High School Relationsips...

I got a letter the other day from a very dear friend and she gave me her perspective on H.S. relationships. She shared with me some of her heart and it was so great to see her point of view. I was very thankful for that feedback. Its sometimes hard to get a good perspective on something by yourself. It's branded into your mind that this thing is totally fine, and there are no drawbacks what so ever. But that's only your perspective, and who can convince you into believing something better than yourself?...no one! I am so thankful for my friend and her wise words. You know who you are and you're the best!!

What Do You Think...

What do you think of High School realtionships? Please leave comments, so I can get your opinion. Thanks!!

Men of The Modern Age...

Do you feel that there are no "gentlemen" left in this world? It's almost like manners don't matter, and that girls an no longer looked at as the weaker vessel. I'm not saying that I want to be viewed as totally helpless, but it would be nice if the guys could be a little more considerate of girls. What do you think? Every so often a guy will hold open the door for me, or help me carry something heavy...but it's rare. Also, on the other hand, girls are becoming more forward, and I think that kind of confuses the guys just a little. Some girls want to be at the same level as guys, which in turn, gives guys the wrong impression of the feminine strength and a girls place. Girls have been the one to ask the guy out. I've also heard of the girl proposing to the guy!! Call me old fashioned, but I want to be the who's proposed to, not the one proposing. So what are we, as girls, to do in this day and age with gentlemen on the brink of extinction? Easy, BE A GIRL!!! Let the guy hold the door, let him help you with heavy packages, let him BE A GENTLEMAN. I admit, I have joked around and said that I can do anything a guy can do, or I have opened the door instead of letting him do it. Yikes!! Seems like I'm confused, but I'm working on that.

"The woman's mission is not to enhance the masculine spirit, but to express the feminine".

-Margaret Thatcher

Ecclesiastes 3...

There is a passage in the Bible that talks about everything having it's own season. I especially like the part where it says "a time to love". How great to think that God knows the very day you'll meet you future husband and fall in love. It won't be a day too soon, it won't be a day too late, he'll be right on time. It's still hard for me to wait for that day...VERY HARD!!! But there comes a peace with knowing that God knows just when your day is coming. I hope my day is coming soon, but that's just me...hopelessly romantic Jocelyn.

Trial Of This Life...

Oh, the trials of this life!! Right now, I am struggling with being single. It has intensified with graduation coming and the thought of not being a "kid" anymore. Also, the guy I like is in my Senior class. He is the most talkative guy ("talkative" in a good way) in the group, and since there are only two girls in the group, me and another, and Lindsey doesn't talk much, he talks more to me. He'll be talking to someone about something and say "Oh, Jocelyn thinks that's awesome...right Jocelyn?". He'll tell me about his week, or how amazing his new computer is (he's not nerdy or anything, even though that comment sounded like it). I like that he talks to me, but it's hard to not let my feelings get the better of me. I'll start to think, "Ohhh, he's talking to me so much!", or "Wow, this is weird, I'm actually talking to the guy I like". It's hard too because he's funny, has the greatest eyes, and is tall, 6'4"...PERFECT!! But that perfection is only skin deep. When I first started liking him, my friends mom (his teacher at one time) told me to make sure of his heart. She told me that his mom is a Christian, but his dad isn't. I found out that he doesn't really go to church, and noticed that he's kind of non-chalant in his conversations. That was hard for me to hear. I was sure he was perfect at first, but what a rude awakening. My friend Sara got to meet him when he was over the other night, and she told her mom about him. Her mom said that maybe this was a wake up call for me to get my head out of the clouds, and see him off his perfect pedestal.

So, now all I can do is pray for strength to not let my heart go any farther than it has, and pray for his heart, and the hearts of the rest of his family.

On His Plan For Your Mate...

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep, soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone.

I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone of anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you, just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing, keep experiencing that satisfaction, knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you...you must wait.

Don't be anxious. Don't worry, Don't look around at the the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the thing you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And, then, when you ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful that any would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time.

Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life that I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me...and this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see, in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied".