He's Got Me Where He Wants Me...

Right now I am in a place of total and complete contentment. I don't have that un-necessary stress that accompanies having a crush on someone, or that empty, disappointed feeling when he's not around.

In the past (okay, recent past) I've found myself not really paying attention to my friends, or enjoying myself because that certain guy wasn't there. How selfish am I?! That's insane! It's not like any thing's official, it's just a crush, and (as I've learned in the past) he probably doesn't even like me like that, nothing even close to it! After times like that I feel so bad, so selfish, and stupid. I've seen (and been told) that when I'm like that, my friends notice, and aren't too thrilled about it. It's then that I think, if I hurt my friends when I only give them half of my attention because the other half is consumed with thoughts of me being disappointed because so and so's not here; then how much more am I hurting God when I only give Him half of my time and energy because the other half is being used in other (much less valuable) ways.

God wants all of me, not some, not half...all. This time of singleness isn't to be used scoping out the next possible boyfriend or a future husband. It's for me to be used by God to my fullest. All my time, energy, and love is to be given to Him, freely, and happily. This is something that I am slowly, and at times, painfully, learning. There will be times when a tall, handsome, blue eyed stranger comes into my life, and the next thing I know, he's constantly on my mind, I really look forward to the next time I get to see him, then all of the sudden, it ends. He's gone, and I'm back where I started; but the one thing that I can find peace in is, God has been there all along. He's knew I was gonna fall for this guy, He knew that it wasn't going to end the way I wanted, and for that I'm thankful.

God wants me all to Himself right now, to do His work, and bring Him glory. When He sees that I am ready for that special someone, He'll bring him to me. There has been countless time I've tried to do it myself, and every time it's ended in failure. I don't have to do the work, He'll do it for me, and I am so excited about that fact.

Loneliness...

...one of my least favorite words. It's strange to think of myself as lonely. I have a loving family, amazing friends, and a God who treasures me more than my earthly companions. But still, I feel lonely.
It's like I have this aching, emptiness inside of me. One that can't seemed to be filled. There's been times it's been falsely filled, then emptied, and made bigger. I've been numb to it, I've fallen deep into it's dark recesses, and tried to overcome it. I don't really notice it's there, until someone comes along and slowly starts to fill it up. It starts to get smaller, then slowly fade away. I find myself happy, and ready for what ever comes my way, until...that person leaves. Like a slap in the face, he leaves, and again the cavern is made larger. Now, I am lying on its cold, hard ground, wondering if I have the strength to climb back out.
This isn't how life should be lived. Especially not the life of a Christian. Maybe this great, lonely void inside me can't be filled, well at least not yet. Maybe God is using this hurt, this kicked to the curb feeling, as a reminder. He's reminding me, that I cannot love, or be loved, until I truly know what Love is. He is reminding me that HE is Love, and He is the only one that can fill that love shaped hole in my heart.

How Far Would You Go?...

Alright...I know I haven't posted in FOREVER but I'm trying to be more consistent.

Okay, anyway...I just read a blog post on purity. It got me to thinking about what purity really is. The dictionary definition is, the quality or condition of being pure.

What is purity to you, how would YOU define it? There are lots of different areas of purity such as, purity in your speech. Are you a gossip or do you lie about things? There is purity in your thoughts, what goes one up there, and would it glorify Christ? And there's also sexual purity. So many people, who claim Christ, struggle with this breach of purity. I, being one of them. I am in no way pointing a finger at, or looking down on those who struggle with this...I'm just asking, how far would you go?

Maybe you're the person who is saving their very first kiss for the alter. If so, then right on! Good for you. But, then again, maybe you're the person who gives just a little bit, then a little bit more, and then before you know it, you've given almost all of it away, but stopped just short of your boundary line. You started out with good intentions...but he just had this way about him, and you didn't end up being as strong as you thought. You went too far, maybe not all the way, but still it was too far.

As I'm writing this, memories are running through my mind. Not good memories, but memories I wish so badly I could forget. Memories that make my stomach knot and my head spin. I ask myself. Why? Why did I let my emotions get the better of me? Why didn't I listen to my friends and family? Why didn't I heed God's warning signs? Why?...because I am a stupid, weak, selfish sinner. The only thing that can save me from those feelings is the thought that I am indeed forgiven. I am forgiven by a God that knew, even before the world began, that I would stumble, and I would fall, and by His strength once again be able to stand.

Now, how far, would you say, is too far? You set up boundaries. Lines that you're determined not to cross. Yet, in the heat of the moment, with you're emotions running wild, you forget those boundaries, and lines are crossed. So, the only way to keep yourself from the possibility of going too far, is to FLEE from that temptation all together. Maybe that means you shouldn't go off alone with your boyfriend for too long, or at all. Or maybe you shouldn't hang out with those friends that have no boundaries and pressure you to do things. Or maybe you shouldn't have a boyfriend at all. What ever it is, flee from it, and stay as far away as you possibly can, until you know that you have the strength and self-control to be in that situation. It may be very VERY hard (I know for a fact it is), but if God is your strength, you can do all things.

What Characteristics Do You Look For?...

At speech class yesterday one of our "pop question" was "What characteristics do you look for in your future husband/wife?" We had to name five, and for some it was hard, but for others...it was a piece of cake! Alot of the people we saying "They don't have to be good looking, it would be a plus, but if they weren't that's fine" or, "I'm not really into looks". Well whenever something like that was said, one of the guys would be like, "Oh c'mon, I know you care about the looks, don't be modest"...so when my time came, I told the truth.

My five characteristics were:

1-He has to be a Christian, first and foremost.

2-He can't be too emotional, because I'm not a very emotional person.

3-He has to be very patient and understanding to be married to me.

4-He has to be strong (well built, physically fit, etc...)

5- He has to be...SMOKIN' HOT!

After I said that, the whole room started to laugh, and Jake was like "Finally, someone tells the truth!". It's true, looks aren't everything, and I know that his heart is so much more important than his looks, but still...it's would be nice.

Sweetest Song EVER!...

Awkward...

Okay, I am sure that at least once in your life, you have had a horribly awkward moment. A moment where you wish you were anywhere but here, or that you could rewind time and then bypass the whole thing. Well, I'm not asking you to share (unless you feel obliged to), but I'm going to share one of my most awkward moments with you...

About three years back I was going to my friend's birthday party. She lives about 40 minutes away, so my mom met her dad and older brother about half way, I got in their car, and we were off. In the car, we were just chatting about how family was, and how it's so weird how fast time goes by, and that I was getting so much older. Remember it's only my friend's dad, brother, and I in the car, and no radio playing...radio ALWAYS cuts down on the stress level. Anyway, about half way to her house, while we're still talking about getting older, her brother asks how old I am. I tell him, and then he replies with, "Oh, then just there's just a few more years, and we can get married". What?!! That caught me by such surprise (he wasn't joking either), I was speechless. First of all, I'm waaay to young to be married, and second, I've never even thought of him in that way. I've known this family for, I think it's going on 14 years, so that would be like marrying my brother...AWKWARD!!!

Emotionally Attached...

I think that one of the hardest things about being a girl and waiting for that "perfect guy" to come along, is not falling for the first guy that shows interest in you. I always told myself that I would never let my heart be taken by someone, unless I knew that that person was worth it. I would never, EVER become emotionally attached to someone until they showed the same feelings toward me. I convinced myself that I would be strong and not fully give in to the feelings that I felt, and that I would not be hurt if it didn't work out in the end. Oh how foolish my young heart is! I'm a teenage girl, of course I'm going to give into those feelings and become somewhat attached to that person. But, since I'm a teenage girl, I'm also going to be blinded by the nice things he says, and the things he does, and how funny, and cute, and sweet he is. I'm not going to remember my friends advice, or heed the warning signs, because I'm too caught up in this, and in the end, I do get hurt.

It has taken me sometime to realize this, and even longer to fully embrace it (I'm still kind of working on it). I didn't want to admit to myself that I was wrong, and that I let my heart go too far, and that my emotions got too mixed up. I wanted to believe that he felt the same way towards me that I felt towards him. I told myself that even though he didn't actually verbalize it, he still liked me...but it wasn't true.

I heard once that people call it "falling" in love, because when you're falling, you can't really stop yourself, you don't really know whats going on, and when you hit the ground it hurts. I think that's a funny way to look at it, but don't really agree. I think that when the one God has set aside for you comes along, that your "fall" will be graceful and you wont hit the ground because your one catch you. Right now, in this "waiting area" I'm thankful that I have a Lord and Savior that, when I "fall" for the wrong guy, will catch me in His loving arms.